Birth of the “Security Mom”

I think that I have finally discovered the unified field theory of the screaming paranoia that produces women like Little Annie Panic and certain other unnamed weblogs, now on hiaitus. This phenomenon of hysteria and rage dubbed the “Security Mom” may have a very simple explanation (and a convenient 12 Step Program to help get the afflicted into a healthier and less xenophobic way of life).

Perhaps some of you are familiar with Metabolife. Essentially, it’s just speed dressed up as a diet pill. This stuff saw its ascendancy into American ubiquity around 1999. Over 12 million people were using it at its peak.

So.

12 million American speed freaks.

If you don’t know what speed feels like or how it makes you act, go drink an even dozen cups of coffee and then report back here, if you can stop grinding your teeth and twitching long enough to sit down at your computer. You probably feel pretty good, for the most part, just really, really edgy. Confident, but restless. And maybe a little impulsive and crazy. Now do the 12 cups of coffee every day for a couple of weeks.

You’re going to reach a condition that we call “strung out,” also known as “restless, irritable and discontent.” But a little more of that stuff takes the edge off, makes you feel energized again. AND you’re SKINNIER, the gold standard of measures of American Quality of Lifeƙ.

But you’re getting kind of jumpy. Edgy, Irritable. Capable of deep and profound rage and mistrust. Now imagine two airplanes just crashed into the World Trade Center all over again.

12 million speed freaks are watching this on TV. Suddenly this ground swell of rage-filled moms advocating the wholesale slaughter of muslims everywhere doesn’t seem like such an out-of-the-blue phenomenon, does it?

But where are they all going? Why are there so many “gone fishing” signs hanging on sites where just last month, there were cries for the scalps and ears of Mohammedans?

Well, you can’t do that shit forever, maaaaan. It’ll burn you out. Your eyes dry up and your teeth get sore. Time to go work in the garden and “Chiiiiiiiill, Winston…

There is hope for a bright future without National Guard troops on every corner and dietary supplements in every cabinet. The first step is to admit that there’s a little problem…

  1. It really doesn’t help that prolonged exposure to speed and amphetamine-based ‘diet’ pills can causes sympthoms indistinguishable from schizophrenia and induce clinical paranoia. Not to mention the lovely personality changes people go through during irregular and speed-affected sleeping patterns, but there’s nothing scarier than a cranked out housewife with a political agenda. I’d rather take on some crackhead with a cro-bar in an alley than some geeked-up soccer mom in an SUV.

    Little Annie Panic should probably lay off the Bennies for a while before she starts picking at her skin, eh?

  2. Metabolife has replaced coffee as Christian Crank.

    Why are there so many “gone fishing” signs

    “Thank God and Greyhound they’re gone!”

    One word of advice to speed freaks, and don’t ask me how I know: Don’t start taking your car apart when you’re running low.

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